Do you appreciate that you are “home”?

{ December 6, 2009 @ 3:34 pm } · { Uncategorized }

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The recent days I had a thought again. I was wondering – what is home? Everyone uses this expression, it is everywhere to read, but there is probably no universal explanation, as certainly, just like an answer to the question “what is the sense of life?” , everyone has got his own terminology of this meaning.

So, why not put some of these thoughts to paper?

Actually, (to the local students), you are home, aren’t you? No matter if you’re not directly from the city you are from – still, you are in the country where you grew up, where your friends and family are. You belong here.

My question – do you appreciate that?

Because I met so many Germans who never said a word about their national identification. Or the fact that they make themselves at home, feel comfortable, have a calm soul. It’s never mentioned by anyone.

Probably everyone is used to taking it for granted already, since it is usual to grow up back to back, generation for generation, so that the majority of the local German population has got their roots kind of deep in the place where they come from.

And to our guest students – do you miss your homes? Do you wish to get back ASAP?

I guess you do.

What is really a solace for you – you will come back. For sure. And since you are now taken away from your home, you learned and experienced life abroad, without home, friends and family? This is what makes people appreciate and cherish what they have .

As always, the million-dollar-question is: Why do I write about those things and how am I connected to my own topic?

Our IBMAN-corps contains two major groups – local students, who are at home, and foreign students, who are abroad but will return home. Too bad that there always must be someone who stands out of the crowd and fits nowhere.

This someone is me.

I have something from both sides, but still differ absolutely. On the one hand, I am officially a German citizen, local student etc. On the other hand, I am a foreigner, still. But the bad news is – in contrast to the dear guest students, I have nowhere to go when I’m done.

In fact, since a little kid, I am a wanderer for life. Since the age of 3 I am brought from one country to another, from city to village, from village to a metropolis. No rest, no stability, nothing constant. Like a prisoner who is thrown from camp to camp steadily.

The worst thing is – I never got in German society as a fully integrated member. But what hurts even more – in the place where I originally am from, where I go very often and really talk, think, act, look and am like the others, I am still regarded as a stranger.

As you see, it’s not sweet to be caught in the abyss between two worlds. My family always was a very unstable thing, too many wars occured within a party which actually should support each other instead of fucking up each other’s life. My friends have all one thing in common – they are either million miles away, or they are no real friends. Probably because you have nothing to lose,  you are eager to change location. I did the first step on the way to claim back my Fortress Home – I left the province, stood up on my own feet and got back to the metropolis. This was only one action in an assault of unexplored area.

When I decided that I want to go to Berlin, I knew what I was stepping into, I could estimate what is waiting for me. But my target, to get back home, is very hard to master. For one major reason.

I don’t even know where my home is.

I never had one. And maybe I will never have. But struggling for something you don’t know is still better than consciously sitting on your butt and staring up the ceiling, right?

I’m not sure, where exactly my home could be, the variants are numerous. Odessa, southern Ukraine at the Black Sea where I am originally from? St. Petersburg, a city I fell in love with when I got into contact with ordinary average people from there while visiting this city? Siberia, where my ancient roots are? Wherever of these I would go – at first look, I’d be no more than just a tourist. But who knows what happens if you take a closer look, and the surrounding takes a closer look at you?

Maybe none of these will quench my thirst for home, something I never had. But I know two things.

1. My home may be anywhere, but is certainly not where I am now.
2. Whatever may come – if a man has nothing to lose, it is always worth a try to maybe achieve your personal target.

Thanks for your attention.

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